I have been waiting to write this post until after things calmed down a little bit. Brandon and I had a couple tough things happen in the beginning of May.
Positive or Negative
The first thing was that I was about 5 days late for my time of the month, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. I have taken tests before, so I expected as usual for it to be negative. But to my surprise the test came up positive! I stared at it and moved it into better light and look away and back again to be sure. And sure enough it was a positive pregnancy test.
A million emotions went through my mind. I was excited, scared, happy, and nervous. I started thinking of the things I was going to need and all the things I should start doing. I also was trying to decide when to tell Brandon. I had always wanted to make it this big surprise. I finally decided that I should tell him that night, but he showed up at work and invited me to go to a play and out to eat. I decided that maybe I should wait and try another test just to be sure.
The next day I took another test and it was negative. Now I was very confused, I didn’t know which test to believe. I decided to wait and take a third test the following day. The wait was agonizing, and I felt so scared and lonely.
Finally, Sunday came and I got up before Brandon and took a final test. This one was a very faint almost nonexistent line. I decided I couldn’t wait any longer and that after church was over I was going to tell Brandon. After Sunday school, I went and used the restroom and to my surprise (and to be honest, my relief) my monthly visit had made an appearance. So, it must have been a false-positive (note to self: don’t buy the blue dye tests from Walmart)
Now don’t get me wrong, I would be overjoyed to have a child whenever God would decide to bless me with one, but I think that trying to keep it a secret from Brandon was making me crazy. Also, Brandon is still in school and although it would be possible, I knew that there would be a lot of stress and more financial strain if it had been a true positive.
After the service, I told Brandon everything. I felt so relieved to have everything in the open. I think the thing I learned most about this experience is that next time I think I might be pregnant. I want Brandon right there with me. It doesn’t have to be this big surprise like society says it needs to be. It should be a moment we share together.
The second thing happened the following Wednesday after the false-positive pregnancy test. Brandon got an email stating that he needed to meet with his adviser at 1.
Brandon texted me after the meeting and explained to me that he had not passed his student teaching class which meant he would not be able to graduate until May. I was very sad to hear his news, not because I was disappointed in him, but because I knew how upsetting this would be to him.
When I got home, we talked over more what this would mean for our future and what the procedure would be to see if he could still stay in the teaching program. I was so proud of Brandon. He was so calm and kept telling me how he would do better and taking full responsibility for his actions. On the other hand, I was not proud of myself. I want to say that I was calm and trusting of God to see us through this, but I was not.
First I got very angry at this teacher and how dare she fail my husband and that he didn’t deserve this. I actually at one point told Brandon that I hated his teacher. Looking back I feel very ashamed of my actions. But Brandon was truly the leader that day, when he should have had my reactions he simply stayed calm and reminded me of how God would want me to react. After my rant, he simply slid an open bible toward me with the verse about not letting the sun go down on our anger.
I lost it as I realized my sinfulness. I rushed to the bedroom fell on my knees and wept and prayed. A few minutes later Brandon came in and wrapped his arms around me and stroked my hair as I wept harder. I cried because of my sin and because I think everything that had happened in the past few days hit me all at once.
We live in a sinful world and bad things happen. Jesus never promised us that we would never go through hard times, actually he tells us to expect them. He simply promises us that he will be with us through all of life’s ups and downs. I don’t know why the things happened this month like they did, but I believe that God has a purpose for them. Even if it is simply so we learn to rely more on Him.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.